the lead up

it’s kind of a joke in my family how much of a fearful child i used to be. it’s honestly pretty sad to think about now. the things i would convince myself of were such unrealistic, out of this world, nonsense. for example, i thought you would die if you put a rubber band on your finger. surely, as most of you know i am the last person who was ever able to be away from home. i gotta admit it was a biiiig problem. poor eleni, she would have to walk to the office every day at lunch because an admin would come get her and say, “eleni, your sister’s in the office crying again,” she would go get me, bring me to her lunch spot with her friend group, and i would sit on the outskirts of the circle munching on my jelly sandwiches, crying. she never made me feel bad, her friends were always so nice, and i would do this every day.

as i progressed in school, it got easier, the social pressure to not cry and sit with your sister started to kick in (but also eleni is four years older so we were never at the same school anymore), so it was just me and dimit. super weird, but he wasn’t too thrilled by the idea of having his little, crying sister sit with him and his friends at lunch, so odd of him.

in middle school and high school, the public crying chaos stopped, it was more reserved for the home. i was able to go to school and sit at lunch like a normal kid. i would still frequently experience moments of fear, it wasn’t something i talked about, but it was a big part of my life. i never thought i would be able to do anything on my own, like ever. i truly did not think that i was going to ever be able to be okay being independent. even in high school, i wouldn’t attend or have sleepovers because i’d make stupid excuses to get me out of it, i never went to sleepaway camp, i did not go to ionian village (this huge greek kids' trip to greece that every greek kid pretty much does), i didn’t do the mandatory sleepover part of a cal lacrosse camp that was three days. i stopped myself from many normal childhood/teenage stuff because i was that scared.

thankfully i have grown up, i’ve learned a lot about myself and how to be independent, i think i exude a lot of confidence and make it seem like i’m not afraid of anything, but that is so far from the truth. that is why i decided to do a study abroad program in milan. i knew it would be incredibly difficult for me to ever do something like this, so i applied and told myself that if i got it, i must go, that it was a sign. this summer has probably been one of the most life-changing times for me. i’ve learned how to be on my own, in a place where i know no one, and to be okay with being alone, which is something i never thought i would be able to stomach.

before i do anything outside of my comfort zone, i always have a freak out (or a few). in these moments my mom always reminds me: right now you’re scared, but it's always better when you do it. and then i proceed to blurt out a million hypotheticals and say “what if it’s different this time?” it never is though, i always end up loving the big steps in my life that are my biggest fears at first. like when i first moved to college last year -- i went to isolate in a dorm alone with no human contact - surprisingly this was one of the best years, i made some amazing friends and if i hadn’t put myself in that situation, i would never move forward in life. going on my italian exchange trip - i had a severe allergic reaction the same day i was supposed to leave (don’t worry i will share this story another tie) and i still got on the plane that night and went on an italian excursion that was probably the best two weeks of my life.

the lead up will forever be the hardest part for me. i want to be the carefree, go-with-the-flow person that everyone else seems to be. maybe it's just not in the cards for me. i think a part of me will always be resentful of my past self for not pushing her harder, but i know she did her best. so I guess my lesson here is, i need to keep forcing

myself to be scared. elementary school bean will always be a part of me. i wish i could tell little bean where i am right now, she’d be proud.